Today is my birthday. A few internet friends have remembered or responded since I said it somewhere on another blog.
I get sick and tired of people saying:
"Oh, I don't expect gifts."
"It is just another day to me."
Drivel. Actually, I don't expect gifts. But, something would be nice. A card? A call?
I have never had a birthday party in my memory. However, I threw all birthday parties for younger siblings since I was seven. Not once, not even when they were grown did they ever think about giving me even a gift or card other than a random time here and there. I never missed a birthday for them, not even for my sister born on December 26th!
My ex would rant and rave, gritting his teeth and shaking his fists in my face, threatening me because he thought I had forgotten if nothing happened within thirty minutes of awakening on his birthday. He absolutely spoiled my surprise birthday parties twice because I broke down in tears, telling him how elaborate the party was and how many people I invited. he pretended he was surprised and kissed me in public. That was the last party I ever had for him--only cake and ice cream and a gift.
However, his gifts to me were mostly insulting. Once, he brought home a paper bag with a cake mix and frosting mix, gave it to me in front of the kids as I washed dishes, announcing he had me a gift. Of course, since the kids were three and five and happy about cake, I baked it. Oh, he bought his favorite cake and icing because, as he said, "That is what I was hungry for." When I asked him where the ice cream was, he said I was too fat and did not need ice cream. Soul sucking at its best. I was trying to lose 10 lbs to get back down to 130. I am tall-5 feet 7.5 inches.
Another birthday, he bought me a diet concoction I had read about and mentioned--a bottle of apple cider vinegar and a bottle of kelp. Maybe there was a third thing. Yes, it was in a paper bag. I needed to get about five pounds off. He said he wanted me to look good for him when we went to a party.
When I mentioned I had never had a party, he said "it's all about you, isn't it?"
One year, we were going out for dinner on my birthday. He refused to pay for a babysitter and then accused me of being selfish for not wanting to share my birthday with my little children (2 and 4 years at the time) Then, he rallied a vote against me, taking me to an all-you-can-eat place. He ate. I cared for children. He brought dessert back two at a time for about five trips. He put one dessert behind my plate, ate his, and got my dessert and ate it, too. I had to make the trips to the dessert bar for the children because he was too tired from work. He had to eat his desserts in front of children still expected to eat a few vegetables because "I am just too excited to wait."
About thirteen-years-ago, I was telling this to a group of friends that I had invited to my house once a month for two years, cooking food for them even though I expected them to contribute a dish or drink or something. Several months later, just before my birthday, one woman called and said five of them were planning to get together and have a pizza, and would I like to join them. She said they had not decided where to meet. She repeated this several times until I took the hint. I had to clean the house, get the outside in order, wash dishes, clean kitchen, and get ready myself.
They arrived at the appointed hour empty-handed. After two hours and several comments about pizza, I finally said my blood sugar was dropping and I had to eat. I offered leftovers to others who declined. Finally, the guys left to get pizzas. There were only six of us, so we ate in the kitchen. I was up getting more ice, serving them, being a good hostess. None of this was particularly annoying me until....
Someone produced a lit cake and gifts and said, "Now you can never say you have not had a birthday party." ummm, yes, I can." At that point, I became weary because I did ALL the damn work, even part of the planning, had a headache from not eating. Could one of the five people not have invited me over to her house? They actually did get a chocolate cake and ice cream which I had to dish up. Good grief! Then I had to listen to marvelous birthday stories and pretend I did not ache inside.
I did not expect balloons, party hats and singing--just something that was about me, not their convenience. Is that too much to expect in this world? One person said she would have invited me over, but she would have had to clean. ummmm, you think this house stays immaculate by itself?
One year, I determined my birthday would be spent at our Ten-Mile Yard Sale. My friend wanted to do something with me on my birthday, and I told her I had plans to drive from one end to the other of this sale. She said, "Oh, can I come with you. I want to spend the day with you. But, I don't have money for a gift." That was more than fine with me. But, at one point she said she had to get home. When I told her she agreed to spend the day with me and knew I had planned this for my birthday, she announced she thought a guy might call her. She had met him at 3 pm the day before and slept with him about 8 pm and he said he would call, that he had to get home by 9 pm.
So, I had to drive her to my house, let her in to pee, give her a drink of water, and let her sit for a minute because she was so tired. I finally left here again, very angry. By the time I got back to the country, most people were closed, so I ended the day being a lot bummed at my plans being thwarted so thoughtlessly. She never, EVER heard from the guy again, went to his home many times, and no one answered. My friend is dead now, but it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
It is just 4 pm, so daughter in NYC may call if she doesn't forget again that it is my birthday. The mail has run. Nothing. Every year, I just hope that something will come in the mail the next day. I will talk to exbf today who has never without prompting wished me a happy birthday. Oh, my prompting is a growl. He told me that since he is not dating me, he does not have to wish me anything. So, that means he has only felt obligated to wish me anything only twice since I have known him. I still give him a gift on his birthday.
I am not hard to please. Honest. It is just one grinding year to another with nothing.
Plus, I don't know how I manage to not have money for lunch or dinner, even alone, on my birthday. Maybe the lack of money at certain times is not felt as acutely as this day. About 20 and 10 years ago, I went to lunch and dinner, alone but at places I really loved or brought it home to eat. I took the day, drove to all my favorite antique stores, browsed, maybe bought something small, talked to good friends who owned the shops, and just had a really do-nothing day and was happy. I also bought myself a substantial gift to make me happy and smile all day--wicker table stands out as one buy. I was really quite happy on my birthday. I made this little ritual trip for about 15 years. Now, my friends have sold their shops, and I cannot enjoy standing or walking that long.
I never open those email cards EVER. I have gotten about one a year, but it is too much work and too much to fill out and join.
Sound much unhappy here? Yes. I am just venting. I don't need to hear how good you have it or how it does not matter to you. This is about me today. Soon, I will be giving things to others for their birthdays and pretending inside that I do not feel hurt from years of pain. I am so sorry that I am such a bitch. And, this is not proofread or reread at all.
Yes, my hurt had grown into full-blown anger.